Learning how to create healthy boundaries…one of the most challenging lessons for us to get in life.
Number 1, our caregivers & immediate family members most likely did not teach us healthy boundaries. In fact, they likely taught us the opposite – to not have boundaries at all.
Number 2, there is a delicate balance between creating healthy boundaries & attempting to control other people. The former is when we learn to control ourselves with others in order to not project onto them. We do the latter in order to avoid facing the fear & discomfort they bring up in us.
This naturally became the topic for this week’s blog post because it is something I have personally been experiencing lately…
I recently expressed a desire to ask for a boundary from someone. They were not in a healthy enough position to be able to listen. Instead of expressing that & taking responsibility, they attempted to control me.
For a second I felt affected but then I heard my teacher’s voice in my head saying…Control = anger = fear. Duh! Control comes from anger which comes from fear – subconsciously of course. Thus, they attempted to control because they are scared. This deeper understanding lead to me replacing my feelings with compassion.
The thing about this scenario is, I have been in their shoes many times myself. Which is why I can so easily recognize it. A close friend often used to bring up fear in me. Instead of working through it, I used to project it onto her as anger in the form of control (calling it boundaries) & passive aggressive responses.
Recognizing myself in the person who attempted to exhibit control over me, allowed me to let go of the judgment, get to the love & trust & thank God for the experience. The Holy Spirit showed me this is simply a call to love this person by loving the part of myself that is scared, angry, controlling & passive aggressive.
I am pretty good at being all these things! And I am learning to love my scared, angry, passive aggressive controller. I like to call her my “angry bitch.” I work to accept her fully especially because she gets the job done!
Just to be clear, being conscious or aware is not about doing good all the time. Or being the “nice guy” everyone loves. It is not about never feeling negative emotions. It is about recognizing what we are feeling & when. When we get better at this, we can let everything pass through us without negatively projecting it onto others.
The more we learn to love the seemingly “ugly” parts of ourselves, the less we project. Loving these parts of ourselves can teach us compassion for others who are unknowingly or knowingly acting from those same parts of themselves. This way we can let others be who they are without trying to control them into being what we need them to be in order to avoid our own fear & discomfort. And yet create healthy boundaries by not participating in anything that might be detrimental to our own well being or theirs.
“In establishing healthy boundaries with others, there is no need to draw a line in the sand or dictate to others what they are NOT to do to us. Instead, we must take a proactive approach and NOT participate in uncomfortable and unhealthy behavior. As a result, we establish a personal standard, not a soap box dictation of “how the world should operate” (Aquarian Age).
So when creating healthy boundaries instead of dictating to others with responses such as, “no more of this or do not do this or do not say that…” which is fear in the form of anger projected as control. We can instead say, “I am not in a position to be able to participate in this conversation at this time.” Or “I can not support you right now.” Or “I need to focus my energy on myself right now. I will reach out at another time.”
These statements take the responsibility of maintaining the boundary off the other person & put it where it belongs – on us. They create healthy boundaries without trying to exert control. They allow & accept the other person for who they are, while creating space for self-care.
And expressing gratitude for the human teacher & the Holy Spirit goes a long way in helping us continue to learn, grow & heal. Because without this person we would not have an opportunity to learn how to create healthy boundaries with others. And if we don’t get it right this time, no problem. We will be given countless opportunities to get this down! So thank you human teacher & thank you Holy Spirit for helping me move forward once again.